5th October, 2005: Worst ever...

It's the last week before the college tournament. I played a lot of games with my teammates. I couldn't play well..I missed my serves...I hit it too long... misjudge the degree of spin. Missed everything. Today I felt like crap. I've never had this kind of feeling before. Just don't feel right. Too many things are in my mind. Graduation...job...my life next year...All I could do is to scream and hit myself against a wall. I get to be ready for next week. That why I practiced so hard everyday by myself. There's no improvement or whatso____ingever!!! Darn it... The only good thing is, I played pretty well when we practice playing doubles. I got all the advantage for this. Coach will let me partner with the Malaysian guy and play doubles. At least I not worthless. I will enjoy every moment in the tournament. I know that I'd not ever have a chance to play in a club and tournament like this after graduation. I'm pretty sad that all the good things around me just come and go. Always when I get really serious on a particular thing, I messed it up or I can't hold on to it. I went to see "Jarhead" in the theatre. It's a movie about a kid went to the marine and wanted to serve his country. He found out that nothing is like what he thinks. Anyways, he was trained and ready to go to war. As long as he landed on the dessert, he missed his love one. The more he thought about it, the worst it became. When the war is over, he returned home and figured that nothing's like before. He still thinks that he's in the dessert. Same thing could probably apply to me. I pretty much feel the same way except I don't have to put my life on the line.